Hamlet for the Shakespeare-Impaired

Act 1, Scene 4

 Elsinore. The platform before the Castle.  Enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus.

Hamlet: Brr!  It's cold!
Horatio: Yep.
Hamlet: What time is it?
Horatio: Almost twelve.
Marcellus: No, I heard the clock.  It's past midnight.
Horatio: Really?  I didn't hear it.  Then it's about the time the ghost usually shows up.
[Trumpets are heard from inside the castle].
Horatio:  What the heck was that?
Hamlet: The King is having his usual midnight drinking binge.  He likes to announce his drinking with trumpet blasts.
Horatio: Does he always do that?
Hamlet: Yeah.  But even though I'm used to it it seems really dumb.  I wish he'd quit it.  It's no wonder all the other nations think we're all a bunch of drunks here in Denmark.  No matter what great things we do, we're always thought of as a bunch of sots.  It's not fair!
[Enter Ghost. ]
Horatio: Look!  Here it comes!
Hamlet: Yikes!  Creepy!  Are you a good or a bad spirit?  Are you from heaven or Hell?  Well, since you came in the shape of my late father, I'll talk to you.  Hi, Dad.  Answer me!  Why did you come out of the grave?  And why are you in armor?  You're scaring everyone!  Why Dad?  Why?
[Ghost beckons Hamlet. ]
Horatio: It wants you to go with it, but I really don't think you should.
Marcellus: It's being polite about it, but I wouldn't trust it.
Horatio: No, whatever you do, don't go with it!
Hamlet: It's not talking here, so I'll follow it.
Horatio: No, sir!
Hamlet: What's the big deal?  I don't think my life is worth a plugged nickel.  And as for my soul, what can this ghost do to it, since it's as immortal as he is?  It's still waving at me to follow him.  I'm going.
Horatio: But what if it leads you off a cliff, or turns you into a drooling maniac?
Hamlet: It still wants me to come, and I will!  Go on, Dad.  Lead the way..
Marcellus: No, sir!
[They try to stop Hamlet]
Hamlet: Get your hands off me!
Horatio: Give it up.  We won't let you go!
Hamlet:  I've got to!  Let me go, or I'll turn you into ghosts!  Shoo!  I've got to follow him!
Ghost beckons.
Exit Ghost and Hamlet.
Horatio: He's nuts!  And impossible to deal with.
Marcellus: He didn't say we couldn't follow him.  Come on.
Horatio: What good will that do?
Marcellus: Something's screwy here in Denmark.
Horatio: Que sera, sera.
Marcellus: No.  Let's follow him.