Hamlet for the Shakespeare-Impaired

Act 3, Scene 1

 Elsinore. A room in the Castle.   Enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Lords.

King: And can you figure out why Hamlet is been acting looney?
Rosencrantz: He says he feels distracted, but he won't say why.
Guildenstern: He won't tell us much of anything.
Queen:  Was he nice to you?
Rosencrantz: Oh, yes.  Like a gentleman.
Guildenstern: But he didn't seem too sincere about it.
Rosencrantz: He wasn't too talkative.
Queen: Did you convince him to take up a hobby?
Rosencrantz: Well, we told him about a troupe of traveling performers we passed on the way here, and he got really excited about that.  He's already asked them to perform for him tonight.
Polonius: That's right.  And he wants Your Majesties to attend.
King: I'm glad he's got his mind off mourning.  Encourage him..
Rosencrantz: We will, sir.
Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
King: Gertrude, honey, why don't you leave, too.  I've sent for Hamlet so he can bump into Ophelia.  Her father and I think maybe Hamlet's problem is being lovesick for her.  So we want to spy on him to see how he acts around her.
Queen: Okay.  And, Ophelia, I hope Hamlet's acting strange because he's in love with you.  You're a good, lovely girl, and maybe you can straighten out his problems.
Ophelia: I hope so, Your Majesty..
Exit Queen.
Polonius: Ophelia, you go stand over there, please, and read this book.  The King and I will hide and see how Hamlet acts when he sees you.  It might still be another deep, dark secret that's bugging him.  We'll have to see.
King: Aside. Don't talk to me about deep, dark secrets!
Polonius: I hear Hamlet coming.  Let's hide, Your Majesty!
Exit King and Polonius, Enter Hamlet.
Hamlet: Do I really want to live?  Should I go on like this, being miserable, and try to beat my enemies?  Or should I just kill myself and get it all over with?  Life sucks.  I wish I was dead.  Death is like a nice, long nap.  But the problem is, what if I dream of horrible things?  It's definitely something to worry about.  If there wasn't anything to fear in the afterlife, why would anyone suffer through his rotten existance?  Why deal with life's troubles when it all could be solved with a dagger?  No reason...unless something bad might lie beyond the grave.  No one comes back from the dead to tell us what it's like, so we go on living and being unhappy.  Sigh.  Man, I'm depressed.  But...whoa, check it out.  There's Ophelia!
Ophelia: Hi, Hamlet.  How are you?
Hamlet: Okay, I guess.  Thanks for asking.
Ophelia: I've got some gifts here from you that I've been meaning to return.
Hamlet: I never gave you that stuff.
Ophelia: You did, too!  You gave them to me with many loving words.  But I don't like you anymore, so here.  Take them back.
Hamlet: Ha, ha! Are you honest and chaste?
Ophelia: Huh?
Hamlet: Are you fair?  Beautiful?  Honorable?
Ophelia: What are you talking about?
Hamlet: If you are, then you haven't been around the block too many times, have you?
Ophelia: I am good-looking and honest, but...what do you mean?  You've confused me.
Hamlet: You're pretty, and pretty people have more opportunities to sleep around.  But sleeping around doesn't make an ugly person pretty.  Quite a paradox, isn't it?  I did love you once.
Ophelia: You did give me that impression, yes.
Hamlet: You shouldn't have believed me.  I'm a big liar.  I never loved you.
Ophelia: You sure had me fooled.
Hamlet: Go become a nun. Or a prostitute.  You don't want to be the mother of my children, 'cause I'm really a rotten guy.  I don't sleep around much, but I have a ton of other bad qualities.  I should never have been born.  I'm scum.  All men are scum.  You'd be better off as a nun.  Where's your father?
Ophelia: At home.
Hamlet: Lock him up in there so he doesn't have to keep making an idiot of himself in public.
Ophelia: O, heaven help him!  He's crazy as a loon!
Hamlet: If you marry, you'll be sorry.  Become a nun.  Or if you really feel you have to marry, marry someone who's too dumb to realize how hen-pecked he is.  Farewell!
Ophelia: Heaven help you, poor, crazy Hamlet!
Hamlet: By the way, your makeup looks awful.  You women are always primping.  It's sickening.  Marriage should be abolished.  I suppose we'd have to let the people who are alrady married live, but no new marriages.  Now go to a convent.
Ophelia: What a shame!  He used to be such a great guy.  A real Renassiance man!  I thought he was really cool, but now he's a few tacos short of a fiesta.  Woe is me!
Enter King and Polonius.
King: He sure didn't sound like he was in love.  He did sound a little crazy, though, but not completely.  Hmm...  I think I should ship him off to England immediately.  Maybe a change of scenery will do him good.
Polonius: Good idea.  But I still think his problem is being ignored by my daughter.  Ophelia, you don't need to tell us what Hamlet said.  We heard it all.  And, Your Majesty, I suggest we have Gertrude pump him for information after the play tonight.  Maybe he'll tell his own mother what's bothering him.  I'll hide where I can eavesdrop.  If she can't figure out why Hamlet's acting weird, then, by all means, send him to England.
King: Okay.  With a smart guy like Hamlet, insanity can be dangerous.  We've got to keep a very close eye on him.