SNOWFUR: Hello, friends! Welcome back to Mossflower Talk, the only Redwall-based talk show on the Net! The topic today is dysfunctional vermin families. With me today are Swartt, Veil and Bluefen...
VEIL: This is stupid.
SNOWFUR: ...Ferahgo and Klitch...
FERAHGO: Stop slouching.
KLITCH: Shut up, grey ears.
SNOWFUR: ...and Urgan Nagru and Silvamord.
SILVAMORD: Shut up.
URGAN: Bite me.
SILVAMORD: Watch it, or I just might.
SNOWFUR: Please, everyone behave! We'll start with the Sixclaws. Swartt, why do you ignore your wife?
SWARTT: What wife?
VEIL: What a dork.
SWARTT: Oh, you mean her. I don't ignore her. And the proof is sitting right here. [slaps Veil on the back]
VEIL: Don't touch me.
SNOWFUR: Bluefen, how do you feel about your husband?
BLUEFEN: He's got quite a temper, so I really don't mind being ignored.
SWARTT: Temper? Temper?! I'll show you a temper, wench!
SNOWFUR: Swartt! We're on the air!
VEIL: I can't believe a jerk like you is my father.
SWARTT: Shut yer yap, whelp!
SNOWFUR: Veil, do you resent your father for abandoning you?
VEIL: You can't abandon something you never claimed. The slimebucket never even bothered to name me.
SWARTT: Yeah, well, if I had, I wouldn't have given you a dumb name like Veil.
VEIL: Like "Swartt" is any better? What's the extra "t" for, anyway?
SNOWFUR: Fascinating as this is, it's time for our first commercial break. We'll back after this...
DIBBUN VOICE: Golly, I'm thirsty!
ANOTHER DIBBUN: Me too!
DURRY QUILL: Don't worry, kids! I've got just the thing to chase away that thrist.
DIBBUNS: What? What? What?
DURRY QUILL: A fresh barrel of dandelion fizz!
DIBBUN MOLE: Burr, moi noser be all ticklyish!
DURRY QUILL: The perfect treat on a hot summer day: Dandelion fizz! Available only the Redwall Abbey wine cellar!
SNOWFUR: All right, we're back. On to the next family. Ferahgo and Klitch, could you discuss your relationship?
KLITCH: He's an old fool. End of story.
FERAHGO: Do you want a knife between your ribs, you little milksop?
KLITCH: Just try it, old one!
SNOWFUR: Not to sound Freudian, but why do you think your father is inferior?
KLITCH: Uh...'cause he's senile idiot?
FERAHGO: I think Swartt had the right idea, leaving his brat on the roadside!
SNOWFUR: Put that knife away, Ferahgo! I'll not have blood all over my talk show set.
FERAHGO [putting the knife away]: Aw, you're no fun.
FERAHGO: Snot-nosed brat!
SNOWFUR: I'm not sure who's less mature. (Sigh.) Moving on... Urgan Nagru and Silvamord.
URGAN: I'll do the talking, vixen.
SILVAMORD: Shut yer mouth or I'll tell everyone where you got that wolf pelt of yours.
URGAN: I got it because I was the only warrior brave and mighty enough to kill a wolf, of course.
SILVAMORD: Suuuuuuure you did.
URGAN: Well, I did!
SILVAMORD: You know, that thing is really starting to smell. Peeyeew!
SNOWFUR: Why did you two get married in the first place?
URGAN: She had a cute tail.
SILVAMORD: That wolf pelt looked a lot cuter before it got all old and ratty and stinky.
URGAN: It doesn't stink! And I'm Urgan Nagru the Foxwolf! A mighty warlord! I am not now, nor have I ever been..."cute"!
SILVAMORD: Now there's a newsflash.
URGAN: And she's a rotten cook, too.
SILVAMORD: If you weren't so lazy, you'd fix your own food!
URGAN: I've got more important things to worry about.
SILVAMORD: You'll start worrying when I put poison in your food.
KLITCH [wincing]: Please...!
SILVAMORD: Oh. Sorry, Klitch.
VEIL: I don't know. Poisoning people's kinda fun. But more trouble than it's worth.
SWARTT: Not if you're smart enough to use a poisoned chalice like I do.
VEIL: Well, aren't we perfect?
SNOWFUR: Before the fur really starts flying, we'll break for
ANNOUNCER: Do you have a lot of unwanted food around? Never know what to do with leftovers? The Long Patrol is here to solve all your surplus problems. The seasoned hare soldies will eat all your extra food, and, as an added bonus, they'll keep vermin away from your home!
FEMALE VOICE: I always had extra food cluttering up the house, until I called the Long Patrol. Now there never seems to be enough food.
VERMIN VOICE: Harr, with those blasted hares around I can't go around picking on innocent woodlanders anymore!
ANNOUNCER: You, too, can have the Long Patrol scoff you out of house and home, and protect your family. Just call 1-800-LONG-PAT. Operator hares are standing by. Don't delay! Call now!
SNOWFUR: Welcome back. We have time for a few callers before we conclude this episode. Bryony from Redwall Abbey is on the line. Hello, Bryony.
BRYONY: Hello, Snowfur. Veil, it doesn't matter what your parents are like. You choose your own destiny. I tried to show you that.
VEIL: Aw, lay off me.
BLUEFEN: By the way, Bryony, thanks for taking care of my little boy.
BRYONY: My pleasure, Bluefen. Er...most of the time, anyway.
VEIL: I don't need anyone.
BRYONY: I changed your diapers, you little rogue.
KLITCH: Can I hire you, then? My old man's so ancient he'll be needing diapers pretty soon.
FERAHGO: Stow the gab before I cut your tounge clean out of your ugly little face!
URGAN: I am so glad we don't have any children.
URGAN: Yet? What do you mean, yet?
SILVAMORD [smugly]: That's for me to know and you to find out.
SNOWFUR: Next caller, please. We have Hon Rosie Woodsorrel on the line.
HON ROSIE: I say, you vermin are a riot, wot? WHOHAHAHAHAAAH!
SNOWFUR: Please, Rosie, you'll blow out the sound system.
HON ROSIE: Oh, sorry. Can't stop a gel from enjoyin' herself, though. WHOAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAH!
SNOWFUR: Did you have a question for our guests?
HON ROSIE: No. Just friendly advice. Y'see, Tarquin and I have a dozen little ones, and--
FERAHGO: A dozen? Whoa. You poor thing.
HON ROSIE: Not at all, old chap. I love bein' a mum.
KLITCH: Did ya hear that, daddy dearest? She called you "old chap." Old! Hahahaha!
[Ferahgo swats Klitch between the ears.]
KLITCH: OW! Hey!
HON ROSIE: All I wanted to say was, give your kids some room to grow up. They'll turn out all right in the end. Lots of tender lovin' care and food, I always say.
SNOWFUR: Thanks, Rosie.
HON ROSIE: No problem at all, m'gel. Let me know if you need some help keepin' those bally vermin in line, wot? WHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAH!
SNOWFUR: I think I have it under control, but thanks, Rosie. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Thanks to everyone for coming...and for not killing each other...yet. I'm your host Snowfur, and this has been another episode of Mossflower Talk. Good night.
[credits begin to roll]
Mossflower Talk is © 1998 Katie Sullivan and may not be reproduced without permission.
The character Snowfur is © Katie Sullivan.
All other characters and Redwall-related items are © the wonderful Mr. Brian Jacques.
Any resemblances to dysfunctional ferret, weasel or fox families is completely coincidental.
Be sure to visit the Redwall Encyclopedia at http://www.sullivanet.com/redwall
and the Official Redwall Website at www.redwall.org
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