Mossflower Talk

Episode 3  

SNOWFUR:  Hello, everyone!  Welcome to Mossflower Talk, the only Redwall-based talk show on the Net!  Today we have a very special guest, Emperor Ublaz of Sampetra, who will display his fantastic powers of hypnotism on our studio audience.  Good to have you with us, Ublaz.

UBLAZ:  A pleasure, I'm sure.

SNOWFUR:  First, how long have you had this talent?

UBLAZ:  Oh, forever.  It was very useful for convincing my parents I really had eaten my vegetables.  It's also great for getting out of speeding tickets.

SNOWFUR [whispering]:  There are no cars in your time period.

UBLAZ:  Don't blame me.  You're the one writing this dumb thing.

SNOWFUR:  Well...yeah.  Moving on...  You usually use your powers for evil, but tonight is for demonstration purposes only.  Entertainment.  Dibbuns, don't try this at home!

UBLAZ:  Oh, being hypnotized isn't dangerous.  If someone happens to jump out a window while they're hypnotized...well, that's not _my_ fault!

SNOWFUR:  Uh...sure, Ublaz.  We'll break for a commercial and be right back with the first volunteer.

MALE MOUSE:  Oh no!  My sword is broken off at the hilt!

FEMALE MOUSE:  I hate that!  You'll just have to get a new one.

ANNOUNCER:   Wait!  Don't throw that broken sword away!

MALE MOUSE:  But it's broken!

ANNOUNCER:  Yes, but Boar the Fighter can fix it for you!  Expert weapons repair, complete with a lifetime guarantee!

MALE MOUSE:  Even if I become the guardian spirit of an abbey and hand down my sword over countless generations?

ANNOUNCER:  Absolutely!  Boar's swords are guaranteed never to break, no matter what!  Using special metal which falls from the sky, Boar can fix your swords so they're better than new!  And, for a limited time only, get a free dagger with every sword repair.

MALE MOUSE:  Wow!  I'm going to see Boar the Fighter right away!

ANNOUNCER:  Just go to Salamandastron, on the west coast just south of the River Moss.  Open weekends!

SNOWFUR:  We're back, and we have our first volunteer for Ublaz to hypnotize!

BANE:  I didn't volunteer!  You dragged me up here at swordpoint!

SNOWFUR:  Details, details.  Anyway, Ublaz, you may begin.

BANE:  But I don't wanna be hypnotized!

UBLAZ:  Look into my eyes...

BANE:  Noooooooo!

UBLAZ:  You are under my power...

BANE:  Help!

UBLAZ:  You are feeling relaxed...

BANE:  No I'm not!

UBLAZ:  You feel all anxiety flow out of your body...

BANE:  That's not anxiety.  It's sweat!

UBLAZ:  You are getting very sleepy.  Sleepier than you have ever, ever been.  When I snap my fingers, you will be sound asleep.

BANE:  Uh...

[Ublaz snaps his fingers]


[Ublaz bows to the audience]

UBLAZ:  Now, Bane, when I clap my hands you will perform "I'm a little teapot" in a falsetto voice while holding this rose between your teeth.

[Ublaz hands Bane a rose and claps his hands.  Bane begins doing a little dance with the rose in his teeth while singing in a high, girlish voice]

BANE:  Uh...I'm a little teapot, short and stout!  Here is my handle, here is my spout.  When I get all steamed up, here me shout!  Tip me over and pour me out!

[Audience laughs uproariously and applauds]

UBLAZ:  All right, Bane.  Very lovely.  Now, when I touch your shoulder, you will wake up, and you will feel rested and refreshed, but have no memory of what you have just done.  And for the rest of this program, whenever you hear me say the word "favorite," you will stand up and yell, "I want my mommy!"  Got that?  Good.  Now, one, two, three...wake up!

[Ublaz touches Bane's shoulder]

BANE:  Huh?  What happened?  Am I dead yet?

SNOWFUR:  Don't worry, Bane, there'll be no deadbeasts on my set, I promise.  You can return to your seat now.  How about a round of applause for Ublaz and our brave volunteer?

[Vigourous applause.  Bane returns to his seat in the back of the studio]

SNOWFUR:  The performance will continue after these messages.

FOREMOLE:  'ello!  Oi be the Foremole of Redwall Abbey.  Do you'ns need a gurt big holer dug?  Burr, oi, uf curse y'do.  Moi team of champeen diggin' molers and Oi 'ill dig you the best gurt holer you ever seed.  Big holers, likkle holers, tunnels, trenches, us'ns dig 'em all!  Just stop boi an' see us at Redwall Abbey.  Us'ns 'ill have yer holer dug in no toime.

FEMALE VOICE:  Oh no!  A great earthquake just made the whole of Loamhedge Abbey sink into the ground!

MALE VOICE:  The whole cliffs were a shakin'!

FEMALE VOICE:  Whatever will we do?  Where will we go?

ANNOUNCER:  Don't let this happen to you!  Call 1-800-555-5555 for your earthquake insurance today!  Hurry, before the next big one hits!

SNOWFUR:  Welcome back, everyone.  Celandine has kindly volunteered to be Ublaz's next victi--uh, I mean, helper.  Take it away, Ublaz!

UBLAZ:  Thank you, Snowfur.  And thanks for volunteering, my pretty one.

CELANDINE:  Oh, it's no trouble at all.  I just adore performing.  Can I say hi to everyone back home?  Hi, Ballaw!  Hi, Trefoil!  Hi, Brome!  Hi, Felldoh!  Hi, Rowanoak!  Hi, Fuffle!  Hi, Grumm!

SNOWFUR:  That's enough, Celandine.

CELANDINE [pouting]:  Oh, all right. Fine.  Get on with it, then.

UBLAZ:  Now for my favorite part of the act.

BANE [standing up suddenly]:  I want my mommy!

[Audience laughs]

BANE [blinking]:  Huh?  What happened?

UBLAZ:  You can sit back down now, Bane.  As for you, Celandine...look into my eyes...

CELANDINE:  Tee hee.  Oh, I feel so silly.

SNOWFUR [aside]:  More so than normal?

UBLAZ:  Feel all your tension drain away.  You are relaxed.  Sooooo relaxed.  The only thing you hear is my voice.

CELANDINE:  I'm relaaaaaaaaaaxed.

UBLAZ:  You feel light as a feather.

CELANDINE:  Mmm hmm...

UBLAZ:  When I count to three, you will hop up and down, wave your arms and yell "I'm flying!"  All right,!

CELANDINE [flailing her arms and jumping up and down]:  I'm flying!  I'm flying!  I'm flying!  Wheeeeeeeee!

[Audience laughs and applauds]

UBLAZ:  Now come in for a nice, smooth landing, dear.

[Celandine slows her flapping and stops jumping]

UBLAZ:  You are now perched on your nest, my little bird.  You have eggs to sit on.  Hurry, now, they're getting cold!

CELANDINE:  Oh, dear!  My poor little eggs!

[Celandine squats, flaps her arms like wings and makes clucking noises]

UBLAZ [snapping his fingers]:  AWAKE!

CELANDINE:  Cluck, cluck, cluc--huh?  What in the world am I doing?

UBLAZ:  Keeping your eggs warm.  And doing a very fine job of it, too, I must say.

[Celandine blushes, hides her face in her tail and flounces back to her seat.]

UBLAZ:  Snowfur, what's your favorite color?

SNOWFUR:  Blue, why?

BANE [standing up again]:  I want my mommy!

[Audience laughs]

BANE:  Huh?  What the heck?

UBLAZ:  You may sit, Bane.

BANE:  Uh...okay.

ZIGU [from front row]:  This is a load of poppycock.  I don't believe a word of it.  You couldn't hypnotize a ferret of my intelligence!

UBLAZ:  Wanna bet?

SNOWFUR:  Please, guys.  No wagering!  That goes for the audience, too!

UBLAZ:  Come up here and I'll prove it to you.

ZIGU:  I'm game.

[Zigu comes up onstage]

UBLAZ:  Look into my eyes...

ZIGU:  (Sigh)  Must I?  You're not all that good-looking, you know.

UBLAZ:  You are in my power...

ZIGU:  Balderdash.  I am not.

[Ublaz bends slightly and stares into Zigu's eyes with all his concentration]

ZIGU:  This is so absurd.  A person with my intellect could never be hypno--



[Zigu slumps to the ground and snores.  Ublaz raises his paws dramatically, and the audience goes wild with applause]

SNOWFUR [also applauding]:  Most impressive, Ublaz!

UBLAZ [cleaning the back of his claws on his silk robe modestly]:  It was nothing, really.  The words are really just for show.  It's all in the eyes.  Skeptical subjects are my favorites.

BANE [standing up yet again]:  I want my mommy!

UBLAZ:  Yes, yes, we know.  Sit down, Bane.

BANE:  What the...huh?

SNOWFUR:  I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today.  We'll see you back here, same time, same channel, for another edition of Mossflower Talk.  Good night, everybody.

UBLAZ:  Favorite.


[credits begin to roll]
Mossflower Talk is 1998 Katie Sullivan and may not be reproduced without permission.

The character Snowfur is Katie Sullivan.
All other characters and Redwall-related items are the wonderful Mr. Brian Jacques.

Any resemblances to actual talking animals and/or hypnotic pine martens is completely coincidental.

Be sure to visit the Redwall Encyclopedia at

and the Official Redwall Website at 

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