SNOWFUR: Welcome back everyone! It's time for another episode of Mossflower Talk, the only Redwall-based talk show on the Net! Today's topic is "coping with the Bloodwrath." My guests are Sunflash the Mace, Cregga Rose Eyes, Rawnblade, Felldoh and Boar the Fighter. Welcome, friends.
FELLDOH: Uh...I feel kinda small with all these badger warriors around.
CREGGA: And badger wariorresses.
SNOWFUR: Don't worry, Felldoh. I won't let anyone sit on you.
FELLDOH: Er, thanks.
SNOWFUR: Now, then. I have a healer fox on the line from Southsward who is an expert on the Bloodwrath.
SNOWFUR: Would you mind giving us a quick definition of the Bloodwrath?
VIXEN: Not at all. Bloodwrath is a state of berserk rage wherein the person wants to kill everything in sight.
SNOWFUR: Sort of like P.M.S.
VIXEN: Worse than P.M.S.
VIXEN: Badgers are most prone to the Bloodwrath, although other creatures sometimes have it, too.
SNOWFUR: Like Felldoh, here.
FELLDOH: Honored, I'm sure.
SNOWFUR: Hmm. We have another caller from...Marshank! Hello, you're on the air.
BADRANG: I'll be sending you my chiropractic bills, squirrel!
FELLDOH (sarcastically): Ooh, I'm so scared.
CLOGG (in background): Hah! You let yourself get beat up by a squirrel! Harharharhar! Some warlord! Tee hee!
BADRANG: At least I don't talk to myself, you drooling moron.
CLOGG: Hey! No one calls Cap'n Traumun Josiah Cuttlefish Clogg a drooling moron!
[Sounds of a scuffle. Phone goes dead.]
SNOWFUR: A perfect, albiet quite mild, example of the Bloodwrath, folks. Anyway, on to our guests. Lady Cregga Rose Eyes, it's been said that you're perpetually teetering on the verge of the Bloodwrath. Is that true?
CREGGA: "It's been said?" By whom? I'll tear their paws off and stuff them down their throat, the cur! Why, I'll--
[Cregga lifts a chair and hurls it across the studio, breaking a stage light.]
SNOWFUR: Uh...something tells me this would be the perfect time for a commercial break. We'll be back after this.
CREGGA: I'll tear them to ribbons! Grr!
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SNOWFUR: Uh...we're back. Not to mention totally grossed out!
FELLDOH: I really don't like snakes.
SNOWFUR: People generally don't. Now then. On with the show. Let's talk with Boar the Fighter. Boar, tell us what it feels like to experience the Bloodwrath.
BOAR: I feel like killing everyone in sight.
SNOWFUR: Well, yeah. But can you elaborate?
RAWNBLADE: In public?
SNOWFUR: No, no. Elaborate. Explain. Give examples. Add details.
BOAR: O.K. Uh...I really want to kill everyone in sight. So much that I can't think about anything else. I just have to destroy things. I fight like a whirlwind, and I don't feel any pain until afterward.
SUNFLASH: Except you don't usually kill your allies. You can usually keep that in perspective.
SNOWFUR: We have another caller on the line, this time from Salamandastron. Hello, you're on the air!
HARE: I say, there, chaps and chapesses, I just wanted to add that a badger with the Bloodwrath is a pretty fearsome sight. Best thing in the world to have on your side during a jolly old battle, eh wot? And if you've a pickle jar that won't open...no problem, m'lad! A tight lid is no match for badger muscles, y'know! Ha ha!
SNOWFUR: Uh, yes, I suppose there are benefits. So, does the Bloodwrath come on only during battle, or at other times?
SNOWFUR: Er...we already covered that.
RAWNBLADE: I get a thirst for battle just thinking about searats.
BOAR: Me, too.
FELLDOH: I generally need a personal grudge to get so worked up.
RAWNBLADE: Getting stuck at a red light.
SNOWFUR: We've been through this already. There are no cars in your time period.
RAWNBLADE: Oh, right. Never mind, then.
SUNFLASH: When one of those big-footed hares walk through my garden just after I've laid seed.
CREGGA: What was that about Bigfoot in your garden?
SUNFLASH: No, no. Big-footed hares. Hares with big feet.
CREGGA: Isn't that all of them?
RAWNBLADE: I get the Bloodwrath sometimes when someone else eats the last scone.
CREGGA: And I thought I had a temper.
RAWNBLADE: You do. You once killed a caterpillar with a gigantic battle axe just because it tickled your paw.
CREGGA: DID NOT!
RAWNBLADE: Did too! Twayblade told me last weekend while we were golfing.
SNOWFUR: There's no golf in Mossflower, either.
BOAR: There isn't? Then why do I own so many tacky shirts?
SNOWFUR: I don't know.
SUNFLASH: When I was little, Swartt used my mouth as a hole for putting practice. I had to spit out so many golf balls that summer. I get a twinge of the Bloodwrath just thinking about it!
SNOWFUR: Then let's please change the subject. We're already minus a chair, two lights, the refreshment table and a stagehand after Cregga's last tantrum.
BOAR: She wrecked the refreshment table? There were donuts! And coffee! CREGGA!
BOAR: Sorry doesn't cut it, sister! I'm hungry!
[Boar unsheaths a gigantic sword, and Cregga grabs her huge pike.]
SNOWFUR: CALM DOWN! My studio can't take another battle!
BOAR: You'll pay for destroying my after-show snacks, scum!
CREGGA: No one calls me scum and lives to tell about it, Boar the Bore!
[Boar and Cregga lunge at each other. Snowfur dives under the desk.]
SNOWFUR: COMMERCIAL! QUICK! COMMERICAL!
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[Show returns, with the guests brawling all over the studio.]
SNOWFUR [from under desk]: What? Are we back already?
Do another commercial! SECURITY!!!
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SNOWFUR: Ah, we're back. There's not much left of the studio, but we're back. I should have known better than to have angry badgers on my show.
SUNFLASH: "Angry badgers"...isn't that a cartoon show on Nickelodeon?
SNOWFUR: No, that's the Angry Beavers.
SUNFLASH: Oh. Never mind.
SNOWFUR: Cregga, get a napkin or something. You're bleeding on my new carpet.
BOAR: That was a good fight. No hard feelings, eh, Rosie?
CREGGA: Don't call me Rosie.
CREGGA: You'd better be.
SNOWFUR: Uh...before the rest of the studio gets demolished, I
think it's time to end this episode. See you on the next episode of Mossflower Talk!
[credits begin to roll]
Mossflower Talk is © 1998 Katie Sullivan and may not be reproduced without permission.
The character Snowfur is © Katie Sullivan.
All other characters and Redwall-related items are © the wonderful Mr. Brian Jacques.
Any resemblances to actual bad-tempered badgers is completely coincidental.
Be sure to visit the Redwall Encyclopedia at http://www.sullivanet.com/redwall
and the Official Redwall Website at www.redwall.org
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