Mossflower Talk

Episode 5  

SNOWFUR:  Hello, everybody!  Welcome to Mossflower Talk, the only Redwall-based talk show on the Net!  Today we have a panel of woodlanders who have been selected to carry Martin's legendary sword:  Martin himself, Matthias, Mattimeo, Martin the Second, Dandin, Samkim, and Arven.  Welcome, guys!


SNOWFUR:  First I'd like you all to explain how you came to carry such a special
sword.  Let's go in chronological order, shall we?  Martin?


SNOWFUR:  Chronological order.  The other Martin.

MARTIN:  Thanks.  Well, my father, Luke, gave me the sword when he went off to fight searats.  He couldn't be here today.  He's a little busy with his own book at the moment.

SNOWFUR:  Unconfirmed book.

MARTIN:  Yes, yes.  Of course  So I had the sword until Badrang pressed me into slavery.  Grr.  It makes me all  Bloodwrathy just thinking about it!

SNOWFUR:  Please, Martin.  We covered Bloodwrath in the last episode.  Here, why don't you enjoy your complimentary beverage...

[Martin drinks from the mug of water and composes himself.]

MARTIN:  As I was saying, Badrang enslaved me and took my sword.  Later I was able to take it back, but Rose...poor Rose...

[Overcome with emotion, Martin take another drink of water.]

SNOWFUR:  You know, it's funny you should mention that, because we have a big surprise waiting for you backstage.  Send her out!

[Rose emerges from backstage.]

ROSE:  Martin!

MARTIN:  Rose!

[They run into each other's arms and embrace.]

MARTIN:  Rose!  Oh, Rose!  I can't believe it!

ROSE:  Oh, Martin!  My darling!

MATTIMEO:  So what?  On this show all the generations exist simultaneously.  Otherwise none of us would be here!  You're messing with the time line!

SNOWFUR:  Sniffle.  I know, but it's so romantic!

ANNOUNCER:  Martin the Warrior and Rose of Noonvale, you've just won a dream date package, including dinner for two at the Mossflower Country Club, and free movie passes!

[Martin and Rose kiss happily and are led away by a mole stagehand.]

MATTHIAS:  When did this become a game show?

SNOWFUR:  It didn't.  I just...  Well, anyway, let's move on to Dandin.

DANDIN:  To tell you the truth, I don't really know how I got Martin's sword.  I just woke up, and it was on my bed.

MATTIMEO:  You're lucky you didn't roll over on it and cut yourself.

SNOWFUR:  Viking warriors slept with all their weapons in their bed the night after they official became men.

MATTIMEO:  Thank you, Snowfur, for that historical tidbit.

SNOWFUR:  You're welcome.  Now, on to Samkim.

SAMKIM:  Uh...hi.  If I tell you my story, do I win something?


SAMKIM:  That's no fair.  I'm not telling then.


SAMKIM:  If Martin gets a prize, we all should.

SNOWFUR:  Uh...let's take a commercial while I try to talk some sense into our bushy-tailed friend here.

MELLUS:  It's hard to hold down a job and watch your children at the same time.  Dibbuns need supervision, companionship and care.  We here at Dibbuns R Us Day Care understand that.  That's why we're expanding our hours and services.  We'll give your Dibbuns the great care they deserve while you work to provide for your family.  And, all you hares out there, take note:  Dibbuns R Us Day Care is now offering a bulk discount.  Hurry, space is limited.

SNOWFUR:  We're back, and all our guests now have complimentary windbreakers and coffee mugs courtesy of Mossflower Talk.  Happy now?

SAMKIM:  Quite.

SNOWFUR:  Fine.  Now tell us your story.  How did you come to carry the sword.

SAMKIM:  It was the darndest thing.  I just about got impaled by that silly thing.  Fell right out of the sky, it did.  Just about sliced me in two.  But it didn't, so Arula and I got to have a great adventure.

SNOWFUR:  There.  Was that so hard?  Now, moving on to Matthias...

MATTHIAS:  Hi.  I didn't have it easy like Samkim and Dandin.  I had to work to get Martin's sword.  It was a long, hard quest.  I just about got eaten by an owl, a cat, and a snake, not to mention nearly splattering all over the ground after falling off the abbey!  Even after all that, I barely got back to Redwall in time to use the sword to save the abbey.

SNOWFUR:  What's this?  We have a caller.  I wasn't planning on taking calls during this episode, but let's see what they have to say.  Hello, this is Mossflower Talk, you're on the air.

CLUNY:  I just figured it out!  Matthias, you're the one who's been calling my house and ringing that bell into the phone!

MATTHIAS:  Me?  Now why would I do a thing like that?

MATTIMEO:  Giggle.

CLUNY:  I'll get you, mouse!

MATTHIAS:  Booooonnnnnnnnnnnng.

CLUNY:  AAAH!  Don't do that, you little--

SNOWFUR:  Oops, I seem to have lost our caller.  Well, moving on Mattimeo...

MATTIMEO (still laughing):  Huh?  What?

SNOWFUR:  Your story.  About Martin's sword.

MATTMEO:  Oh, yeah.  Well, I didn't have any big quest like Dad.  He just handed it down to me when he retired.

SNOWFUR:  And then you did the same to your son, Martin the Second.

MARTIN THE SECOND:  Zzzzzzzz....

SNOWFUR:  You can wake up and tell your story now, Martin.

MARTIN THE SECOND:  Zzzzzz--***  Hmm?  Who?  What?  Where?  Why?  How?  Yawn.

SNOWFUR:  Well, we get the idea.  Handed down from generation to generation.  Then it went to Arven.

ARVEN:  Yeah.  When Martin the Second stepped down, I got it.  It's quite an honor.

SNOWFUR:  Yes, indeed.  You know, it--uh oh, we have another caller.  This is Mossflower Talk, you're on the air.

BADRANG:  How come I wasn't invited to be in this stupid episode?  I carried Martin's sword for a long time!

SNOWFUR:  Well, yeah, 'cause you stole it from him.


SNOWFUR:  You don't get it, do you?

BADRANG:  Get what?

SNOWFUR:  Never mind.  Oops, I'm so clumsy.  I just lost that caller, too.  What a shame.  Well, we're almost out of time.  After this word from our sponsors, we'll be back to talk about the sword itself.

FEMALE VOICE:  Ug, my skin is as dry as a Monitor lizard's!

SECOND FEMALE:  I know!  I'm all flaky!  Sister May, how do you keep your skin so moist and healthy?

MAY:  Well, girls, under this coat of fur, my skin is treated daily to a thick coat of Sister May's Aloe Lotion.  Try some!  I guarantee you'll notice a difference in one week, or your money back!

FEMALE VOICE:  Thanks, Sister May!  I can't wait to try it!

MAY:  Sister May's Aloe Lotion is available at the Redwall Abbey Infirmary or wherever fine cosmetics are sold!

METHUSELAH:  Hello, friend.  Do you need anything written down?  Of course you do.  We all need things written down.  Now for a small fee I'll do all your tedious writing for you.  As the Recorder of Redwall Abbey, I have decades of experience.  Don't hesitate.  Call today!  1-555-2-RECORD.

SNOWFUR:  All right, we're back.  What is Martin's sword like?

ARVEN:  Sharp.


SAMKIM:  Pointy.

SNOWFUR:  Very funny, guys.  But what's unique about it?

MATTHIAS:  It's made of metal that fell from the sky.

SNOWFUR:  Like Mir?

MATTHIAS:  Uh...sure, whatever.

SNOWFUR:  That was a joke.

MATTHIAS:  Oh.  Ha ha.

SNOWFUR:  Gee, thanks.  Sigh.

DANDIN:  The really nice thing about it is, it isn't all that heavy.  It's sturdy, and perfectly balanced.

SNOWFUR:  And it has that pretty red pommel stone.

DANDIN:  Well, yeah, I guess so.

MATTIMEO:  And a blood channel!  Don't forget the blood channel!

SNOWFUR:  Channel 5.  All blood, all the time.

MATTIMEO:  No, no, the blood channel is that groove down the middle that---oh, never mind.

SNOWFUR:  I know what a blood channel is, silly.  I was making another joke.  You warrior mice have no sense of humor.

DANDIN:  I have a sense of humor.  Ever seen Mariel in a lacy party dress?  She hates it!  Ha ha!

SNOWFUR:  By the way, Dandin, everyone wants to know...are you and Mariel in love?

DANDIN:  If we are, do we get free movie passes?


DANDIN:  Then I'm not telling.

SNOWFUR:  Well, before you get the Bloodwrath or something, that's all the time we have for today.  See you next time on Mossflower Talk!

[credits begin to roll]

Mossflower Talk is 1998 Katie Sullivan and may not be reproduced without permission.

The character Snowfur is Katie Sullivan.
All other characters and Redwall-related items are the wonderful Mr. Brian Jacques.

Any resemblances to real rodent warriors is completely coincidental.

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and the Official Redwall Website at 

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