Mossflower Talk

Episode 5  

SNOWFUR:  Hello, everybody!  Welcome to Mossflower Talk, the only Redwall-based talk show on the Net!  Today we have a panel of woodlanders who have been selected to carry Martin's legendary sword:  Martin himself, Matthias, Mattimeo, Martin the Second, Dandin, Samkim, and Arven.  Welcome, guys!

GUESTS:  Hi.

SNOWFUR:  First I'd like you all to explain how you came to carry such a special
sword.  Let's go in chronological order, shall we?  Martin?

MARTIN THE SECOND:  Which one?

SNOWFUR:  Chronological order.  The other Martin.

MARTIN:  Thanks.  Well, my father, Luke, gave me the sword when he went off to fight searats.  He couldn't be here today.  He's a little busy with his own book at the moment.

SNOWFUR:  Unconfirmed book.

MARTIN:  Yes, yes.  Of course  So I had the sword until Badrang pressed me into slavery.  Grr.  It makes me all  Bloodwrathy just thinking about it!

SNOWFUR:  Please, Martin.  We covered Bloodwrath in the last episode.  Here, why don't you enjoy your complimentary beverage...

[Martin drinks from the mug of water and composes himself.]

MARTIN:  As I was saying, Badrang enslaved me and took my sword.  Later I was able to take it back, but Rose...poor Rose...

[Overcome with emotion, Martin take another drink of water.]

SNOWFUR:  You know, it's funny you should mention that, because we have a big surprise waiting for you backstage.  Send her out!

[Rose emerges from backstage.]

ROSE:  Martin!

MARTIN:  Rose!

[They run into each other's arms and embrace.]

MARTIN:  Rose!  Oh, Rose!  I can't believe it!

ROSE:  Oh, Martin!  My darling!

MATTIMEO:  So what?  On this show all the generations exist simultaneously.  Otherwise none of us would be here!  You're messing with the time line!

SNOWFUR:  Sniffle.  I know, but it's so romantic!

ANNOUNCER:  Martin the Warrior and Rose of Noonvale, you've just won a dream date package, including dinner for two at the Mossflower Country Club, and free movie passes!

[Martin and Rose kiss happily and are led away by a mole stagehand.]

MATTHIAS:  When did this become a game show?

SNOWFUR:  It didn't.  I just...  Well, anyway, let's move on to Dandin.

DANDIN:  To tell you the truth, I don't really know how I got Martin's sword.  I just woke up, and it was on my bed.

MATTIMEO:  You're lucky you didn't roll over on it and cut yourself.

SNOWFUR:  Viking warriors slept with all their weapons in their bed the night after they official became men.

MATTIMEO:  Thank you, Snowfur, for that historical tidbit.

SNOWFUR:  You're welcome.  Now, on to Samkim.

SAMKIM:  Uh...hi.  If I tell you my story, do I win something?

SNOWFUR:  No.

SAMKIM:  That's no fair.  I'm not telling then.

SNOWFUR:  But--

SAMKIM:  If Martin gets a prize, we all should.

SNOWFUR:  Uh...let's take a commercial while I try to talk some sense into our bushy-tailed friend here.


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SNOWFUR:  We're back, and all our guests now have complimentary windbreakers and coffee mugs courtesy of Mossflower Talk.  Happy now?

SAMKIM:  Quite.

SNOWFUR:  Fine.  Now tell us your story.  How did you come to carry the sword.

SAMKIM:  It was the darndest thing.  I just about got impaled by that silly thing.  Fell right out of the sky, it did.  Just about sliced me in two.  But it didn't, so Arula and I got to have a great adventure.

SNOWFUR:  There.  Was that so hard?  Now, moving on to Matthias...

MATTHIAS:  Hi.  I didn't have it easy like Samkim and Dandin.  I had to work to get Martin's sword.  It was a long, hard quest.  I just about got eaten by an owl, a cat, and a snake, not to mention nearly splattering all over the ground after falling off the abbey!  Even after all that, I barely got back to Redwall in time to use the sword to save the abbey.

SNOWFUR:  What's this?  We have a caller.  I wasn't planning on taking calls during this episode, but let's see what they have to say.  Hello, this is Mossflower Talk, you're on the air.

CLUNY:  I just figured it out!  Matthias, you're the one who's been calling my house and ringing that bell into the phone!

MATTHIAS:  Me?  Now why would I do a thing like that?

MATTIMEO:  Giggle.

CLUNY:  I'll get you, mouse!

MATTHIAS:  Booooonnnnnnnnnnnng.

CLUNY:  AAAH!  Don't do that, you little--

SNOWFUR:  Oops, I seem to have lost our caller.  Well, moving on Mattimeo...

MATTIMEO (still laughing):  Huh?  What?

SNOWFUR:  Your story.  About Martin's sword.

MATTMEO:  Oh, yeah.  Well, I didn't have any big quest like Dad.  He just handed it down to me when he retired.

SNOWFUR:  And then you did the same to your son, Martin the Second.

MARTIN THE SECOND:  Zzzzzzzz....

SNOWFUR:  You can wake up and tell your story now, Martin.

MARTIN THE SECOND:  Zzzzzz--***  Hmm?  Who?  What?  Where?  Why?  How?  Yawn.

SNOWFUR:  Well, we get the idea.  Handed down from generation to generation.  Then it went to Arven.

ARVEN:  Yeah.  When Martin the Second stepped down, I got it.  It's quite an honor.

SNOWFUR:  Yes, indeed.  You know, it--uh oh, we have another caller.  This is Mossflower Talk, you're on the air.

BADRANG:  How come I wasn't invited to be in this stupid episode?  I carried Martin's sword for a long time!

SNOWFUR:  Well, yeah, 'cause you stole it from him.

BADRANG:  So?

SNOWFUR:  You don't get it, do you?

BADRANG:  Get what?

SNOWFUR:  Never mind.  Oops, I'm so clumsy.  I just lost that caller, too.  What a shame.  Well, we're almost out of time.  After this word from our sponsors, we'll be back to talk about the sword itself.


FEMALE VOICE:  Ug, my skin is as dry as a Monitor lizard's!

SECOND FEMALE:  I know!  I'm all flaky!  Sister May, how do you keep your skin so moist and healthy?

MAY:  Well, girls, under this coat of fur, my skin is treated daily to a thick coat of Sister May's Aloe Lotion.  Try some!  I guarantee you'll notice a difference in one week, or your money back!

FEMALE VOICE:  Thanks, Sister May!  I can't wait to try it!

MAY:  Sister May's Aloe Lotion is available at the Redwall Abbey Infirmary or wherever fine cosmetics are sold!


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SNOWFUR:  All right, we're back.  What is Martin's sword like?

ARVEN:  Sharp.

MATTIMEO:  Metal.

SAMKIM:  Pointy.

SNOWFUR:  Very funny, guys.  But what's unique about it?

MATTHIAS:  It's made of metal that fell from the sky.

SNOWFUR:  Like Mir?

MATTHIAS:  Uh...sure, whatever.

SNOWFUR:  That was a joke.

MATTHIAS:  Oh.  Ha ha.

SNOWFUR:  Gee, thanks.  Sigh.

DANDIN:  The really nice thing about it is, it isn't all that heavy.  It's sturdy, and perfectly balanced.

SNOWFUR:  And it has that pretty red pommel stone.

DANDIN:  Well, yeah, I guess so.

MATTIMEO:  And a blood channel!  Don't forget the blood channel!

SNOWFUR:  Channel 5.  All blood, all the time.

MATTIMEO:  No, no, the blood channel is that groove down the middle that---oh, never mind.

SNOWFUR:  I know what a blood channel is, silly.  I was making another joke.  You warrior mice have no sense of humor.

DANDIN:  I have a sense of humor.  Ever seen Mariel in a lacy party dress?  She hates it!  Ha ha!

SNOWFUR:  By the way, Dandin, everyone wants to know...are you and Mariel in love?

DANDIN:  If we are, do we get free movie passes?

SNOWFUR:  No.

DANDIN:  Then I'm not telling.

SNOWFUR:  Well, before you get the Bloodwrath or something, that's all the time we have for today.  See you next time on Mossflower Talk!



[credits begin to roll]
 
 
 

Mossflower Talk is 1998 Katie Sullivan and may not be reproduced without permission.

The character Snowfur is Katie Sullivan.
All other characters and Redwall-related items are the wonderful Mr. Brian Jacques.

Any resemblances to real rodent warriors is completely coincidental.

Be sure to visit the Redwall Encyclopedia at http://www.sullivanet.com/redwall

and the Official Redwall Website at www.redwall.org 


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